Killing A Relationship

April 2008

“Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger… and do not give the devil an opportunity.”
Ephesians 4:26-27 (NASB)

Much has been written about this straightforward statement of Paul to the Ephesians. So, how is it that so many of us find ourselves going down the path to ruined relationships?

It has been said by many that there are identifiable stages in disintegrating relationships. The first of these stages is characterized by disappointment. The cause of disappointment is usually due to unrealistic expectations of someone else. People who do not prove predictable undermine our sense of control, shaking our comfort zone and causing us discomfort. At this point we are dealing with issues of choice and are making decisions with our mind.

Regardless of how minor the issue that caused disappointment, someone’s expectations were not met. Let this happen a second time and doubt founded in our mind becomes distrust in our heart. It is but a short leap from disappointment to distrust, the second stage in a dying relationship.

Soon we find ourselves avoiding the person we no longer trust. We withdraw from fellowship and activities to avoid contact, and begin to justify our absence verbally.  This behavior of avoidance sends the unmistakable signal that we dislike the person who disappointed us. The decision to engage in a strategy of avoidance is made in the mind. We have now fully engaged emotion and intellect in the pursuit of killing a relationship.

Close on the heels of dislike comes disrespect. We tire of making excuses for our self-isolation and begin to assign blame for our actions to the one we now disrespect. Truly, we see ourselves as the injured party and attempt to ease the pain in our heart by gossiping openly. Our sin is not recognized as we are very busy convincing everyone else that we are the injured party.

The “almost final” stage in killing a relationship is disgust. No longer satisfied with our self-enforced isolation, we now take action to isolate the person we are disgusted with. Although we are almost always successful at isolating our perceived enemy, we find ourselves alienated from God and others and loneliness lives with us daily. The pain in our heart and mind has now become a reality in our physical body. We are entering the final stage of killing a relationship.

The absolute, without a doubt, final nail in the coffin of what used to be a positive relationship is contempt. We become angry with God as defaming the other person becomes the focus of our life. Total separation, isolation, and defamation have been achieved. We win hoorah! What we fail to see is that we have also achieved separation from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

We may not have “destroyed our relationship” with God, but surely we have separated ourselves from Him. There is only one path to reconciliation and fellowship with Jesus and that is through total surrender. We must get on our knees, repent of our sin and ask God to forgive us. 

We may not be able to restore the relationship with the one we now hold in contempt, but as much as it is within our power we must try and repent of our sins and ask for forgiveness.

In his Letter to the Ephesians Paul tells us that we have a choice…

“[to] put on a new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth… laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.”

Either way, your choice will cause pain. Asking to be forgiven by God and the person you have sinned against surely is painful, but only one choice will bring healing to your aching heart. Redeem the day, ask God to reveal any disappointment you harbor in a brother or sister and forgive them now. God will restore your heart… and your life.

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